


God Grant Me...

by DragonFae



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, M/M, they're both idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 17:56:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8810464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonFae/pseuds/DragonFae
Summary: Prompt I gave myself to write for my irl Jim based on the Serenity Prayer. Bones reflects on various points of his knowing Jim.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [qrantaire (rivenjolras)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rivenjolras/gifts).



‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.’ The words from the prayer lovingly embroidered and framed in the entryway of his mama’s house back in Georgia sprang to mind in an instant as Leonard stared at the sock hanging off the door to his dorm. Lord knows he’d never change Jim. At least not without a full lobotomy.

He had the same thought only a few days later as the same pain in his ass sat on his table sporting several new bruises and a thoroughly split lip. The irritated sigh that escaped him snapped Jim’s head up. He fixed him with one of those damned lopsided smiles of his. Bones theorized he must have developed that particular smile to avoid reopening wounds that seemed to be attracted to his face. Not that he could blame them; just about everything and everyone seemed attracted to that face. It was hard to ignore the gravitational pull that was James T. Kirk whether you were a young lady swooning over his undeniable charm, a jealous partner seeking a pound of flesh in revenge for a fling or a flirtatious word, or an overworked Starfleet medical resident who couldn’t bring himself to say no to those damned eyes.

Jim offered him a little wave as he approached. “Hiya, Bones!”

“What the hell did you do this time?” Hands on his hips, lips pursed, and eyes narrowed, he knew he had to be the spitting image of his mother but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Y’see, there was this woman in a bar- now don’t give me that look it wasn’t like that this time!” He held his hands up against the agitated tsk shot his way. “There was some jackass overstaying his welcome and about the time he grabbed her ass I just couldn’t let that stand, y’know? He was just kind of… Maybe somewhere around twice my size is all. And he looks worse than I do.”

Leonard relaxed his stance and huffed out a laugh. “You noble idiot. That’s gonna get you killed on day, you know.”

There’s that damned grin again. “You’ll just have to bring me back, huh?” 

No changing the fact he’d move all the stars in the universe for that stupid smile. He pinched the bridge of his nose against the rising throb in his head.

“Yeah, kid, I guess I will.”

~*~*~*~

‘Courage to change the things I can.’ It took courage to defy Starfleet- even if he did get to make Jim suffer through a pretty nasty allergic reaction in the process. How the hell do you become a captain in Starfleet if you’re allergic to just about everything in the universe, anyway? You don’t if you’re court marshalled and grounded, but Bones had managed to drag him aboard under the guise of needing to tend to his patient.

He shook his head and jammed the hypo into Jim’s neck, ignoring his pained whining. Of all the times for him to fall prey to those puppy dog eyes, it would be during an intergalactic crisis. “Quit your whining and stay still ‘til that swelling goes down.” 

There was no way in hell that kid was staying in one spot that long, but he could hope. Thankfully, they all make it back to Starfleet in one piece and Leonard allows himself a moment to breathe. It was a short moment. He cursed his poor luck at great length when he received his assignment to work under Jim on the Enterprise.

It took even more courage the day he had to bring Jim back from the dead. Any time he put down an instrument, he felt his entire body tremble with the realization that Jim might not come back this time. Those thoughts were shoved away as soon as they landed because, dammit, he had work to do. No one was allowed to kill Jim but him.

He didn’t allow himself the luxury of true fear until Jim was up and walking around again. He closed the door to his rooms and let himself collapse to the floor in front of it. Shuddering breaths wheezed from his chest as all of the pent-up emotions, the caged thoughts, the what-ifs washed over him in a tidal wave. What if he hadn’t been able to use Khan to save Jim? What if Jim had just never woken up? What if the residual radiation refused to fade? Breathing became harder; his entire chest felt like it was constricting and he could feel tears prick at the corners of his eyes. 

Images of Jim in that body bag wouldn’t leave his head. Those blue eyes that always sparkled with joy stared at him, void of all life and dull in death. It seemed an inevitability that this would be the captain’s eventual fate. Equally assured was Leonard’s fate to see that his body was cared for. He would be left behind to pick up the pieces of his soul yet again. Every inch of his body quivered as he fought to regain control over the rapid, panicked thoughts that raced through his mind at warp speed.

The saving grace was the simple fact that he had done it; Jim was alive. He was awake. He was breathing.

Leonard forced himself to pull in slow, even breaths as he reminded himself of those facts again and again and again until he found himself mumbling them like a deranged mantra. He wiped at his face and realized his fingers were damp with tears he never noticed were falling freely. Dammit, he was fucked if he got this worked up over every patient. Then again, Jim had never been just another patient, had he?

His courage failed him the day he finally admitted just how hard he had fallen for his captain. Those damned blue eyes that always trapped him in their steady gaze, that small smile that he always seemed to toss his way when he knew he was in deep shit, the way his arm always slung easily over the CMO’s shoulders when they were at ease around each other... 

He knew that would never happen. With all the women Jim had in and out of his rooms during shore leave, Bones figured that feeling was best left buried deep enough inside himself that it would never see the light of any of the many suns they might pass. Better if he just enjoyed the feeling of being his best friend and leave it at that. He called on the first line of that prayer again and sighed to himself.

“God grant me serenity to accept the things I can’t change…” He muttered to himself. It was followed by an almost manic laugh; he used to think death was one of those things. Turned out he can change more things than he thought. “Courage to change the things I can…”

~*~*~*~

‘And the wisdom to know the difference.’ Jim was never what one would call careful. That didn’t mean Bones didn’t feel indignant anger bubbling to the surface any time the kid acted up and did something so outlandish and reckless that he wound up in med bay.

It should have just been a routine mission, but nothing was ever routine when you added James Kirk to the mix. They had discovered some monstrous creature on the planet that the captain had absolutely had to bother it.

Needless to say, it wasn’t at all appreciative of their curiosity and so Spock had carried the unconscious Jim into med bay and laid him out for McCoy to inspect and treat.

“Idiot couldn’t just leave well enough alone,” he muttered, tricorder in hand. Nothing serious; just the standard bumps, bruises and a broken ankle. The regenerator was already working on the latter. “Just had to poke the thing four times your size, didn’t you?”

“M’fine, Bones,” Jim mumbled as his eyes fluttered open. “Feel like I got hit by a truck, but I’m okay, right?”

The clank of the tricorder being flung across the room startled him into sudden and full awareness. He watched Bones with concern as the man rubbed at his face, looking more exhausted than Jim could remember seeing him since Khan. He reached out to pat his arm and frowned when Bones recoiled from his touch. “Bones?”

“How can you always be so goddamn reckless?! Do you think that just cuz I’ve been able to save your ass so far I’ll be able to do it forever? Do you have any idea the hell I go through every time you’re carried in here bleeding because you had some suicidal need to do something outlandishly stupid?”

“Bones, I-“

“Shut your damn mouth!” The sharp tone startled him back into silence. “I’m not even close to done with you! Just because you get some fool idea in your head doesn’t mean you can just do it, Jim. You have to think about everyone on this ship. Not just you. You have no idea what you mean to each any every crewmember. To me.”

Until that moment, Jim had taken to staring at the ceiling as McCoy tore into him. He couldn’t help but roll over a little on the biobed, ignoring the painful protest of his entire body, so he could look up at Leonard’ face as he asked in a quiet tone almost as though he was afraid of the answer, “And what do I mean to you, Bones?”

“Dammit, Jim I love you!” He was too far gone to even care what he was saying. Nothing in his mind was filtering what flew out of his mouth now. He yanked on his hair with both hands as he continued. “And I get that it’s not gonna happen, and I accepted that years ago. Ya can’t change what ya can’t change and all that, but you gotta remember that people on this godforsaken tin can actually care about you!”

Jim’s face went blank and for a split second, Bones was reminded of Spock. He let out another labored sigh and tried to smooth out his hair while he waited for a response.

“You said you love me.”

Apprehension crept in on his mind, but he nodded. “Yeah I guess I did.”

“Come over here.” He waved the doctor over and gave him one of those grins as he complied. “So you just assumed I’d never be interested?”

Bones crossed his arms over his chest, practically curling in on himself. “Well I sure as hell have never seen a man leave your quarters.”

He sat up and pulled Bones into a quick kiss. He kept a tight hold on the front of his shirt to keep Bones from bolting. 

“That’s because none of them were you.”


End file.
